For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11
By Teresa Adams
You see – since I could remember children have always been something that I wanted. I love them – even the ones that need a little extra loving. I started babysitting at the age of 12 and loved all the phases of it. I loved walking the kids to the park, watching them play, walking them back to the house while singing songs, styling all the little girls hair, rough housing with the boys and reading bedtime stories.
I always told myself I wanted a big family – four kids – three boys and one girl. I wanted to start my family no more than two years after I got married. I prayed that the first three would be the boys and the last the girl.
Y’all. I had this planned and nothing was going to stop me; so I thought.
It was at the second year of marriage when I noticed that my plan was falling apart. My dreams of motherhood was slowly but surely slipping away. It was at that time that I began to feel hopeless.
Fast forward a few years – “When are you both planning on having children?” “You’ve been married that long and don’t have any little ones? Well, what are you waiting for?” “You better start having kids before you get too old.”
For years I would respond in a way I assumed would please the person asking. I would answer with one of the three canned retorts:
“My husband is getting out the military and we’re relocating.”
“We’re not ready right now. My husband is getting his Bachelors and I’m working on my Masters.”
“We’re relocating soon and would like to wait until we get settled in to our new destination.”
I responded for whatever season I was in at the time. However, the truth was I was having trouble and Endometriosis was the reason.
I remember the first time someone asked me a question about having children. I wanted to respond truthfully but I was ashamed, embarrassed and quite frankly not strong enough to answer any follow up questions. My embarrassment and shame eventually turned to anger and rage. I was so tired of all the baby questions. I wanted to scream LEAVE ME ALONE. But, all I could do was respond according to my season, fake a smile, go home and drown myself in tears.
So here is the truth…
I am 32 going on 33. My husband and I have been married 9 going on 10 years. We’ve been trying for 8 years with no success and I’m trying to stay strong and trust God. But if I can be honest – it’s hard.
My life without children is a hard pill to swallow. However, God renews my peace and strength daily so that I can keep fighting and pushing through. This is all in God’s plan and I rather his will be done than my own.
I don’t know what difficulties you’re facing today. It could be the same struggle I’m facing or it could be something completely different. But what I do know is that in the good times and the bad God is good.
The devil will come during your most vulnerable moments and try to convince you that God doesn’t care about what you’re going through and doesn’t love you enough to do anything to help you. Don’t listen. Instead, remember this:
- God is Good
- God loves you
- God is a healer
- God always wants the best for you
I know God will grant me the desire of being a mother one day. So until then I’ll wait patiently in peace because I know in the end when I see my child it would have been nothing but the promise of God.
Teresa is a Health and Awareness Blogger